You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
