i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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