omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
