i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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