I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
