I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
