You really coming over, don't trick.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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