it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
