i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
