There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
