i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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