she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
