I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
