I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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