So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
