nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
