the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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