We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
