i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
where does the pee come out of this thing
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wish there were birth control emojis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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