If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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