Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize