Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
