My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
