she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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