Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
