Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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