Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
