I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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