You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Alive.
So much puke
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
