yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
