I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
