how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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