I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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