What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize