even my farts smell like vagina
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
