I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
