I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
