so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
