You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
