Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
