does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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