I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
