Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
