i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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