He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
