My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
