You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
