my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
