you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
