Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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