im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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