I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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