haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
