remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
