I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
