haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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