you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
