She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
