I just saw a hot homeless man
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
