my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
