Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
