The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
