My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think my moral compass just broke
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
