So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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