Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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