So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
People in love make me want to vomit
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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