I accidentally had phone sex last night
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize