I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
